So... I'm finding being medicated and knowledgeable about my diagnosis is making life not one whit easier.
How other people manage to have their shit together is just as much a mystery to me as it ever was.
My work entails making others happy. And apparently being on happy pills and changing jobs makes me no more aware of how to make that happen than before.
In fact back when I thought everyone contemplated suicide and was worried about everything, I think I managed it better than I do now.
I feel lost. Without hope or understanding of how things got this bad.
Worse, because my mum depends on me, if I fail, if I fall apart, what will happen to her?
Maybe too much self awareness is a bad thing.
I'm 48. Shouldn't I at least be able to fake having my shit together by now?
I'm failing at work.
With no idea how or how to fix it.
I'm angry. At myself and the situation. Its almost like grief because work was the only thing I was good at.
I've never had it all, but I've had some.
I've never been able to hold on to anything that makes me feel good about myself.
I'm at a point where I literally have to back up plan.
And as someone who lives from panic attack, that's the only thing that ever holds me together.
There's no point I come to. I'm still lost. I stand at an edge and I don't want to fall.
