So today I started therapy.
At the ripe old age of 47, I'm choosing to exorcise some childhood demons.
A 50 minute hour never seemed so long and yet to go by so quickly. I demolished about half a box of tissues, but walked out feeling at peace and excited for the future.
Telling truths and being validated for them is something I should have done a long time ago but I don't think I was ready for it until now.
Ripping open old wounds that had only partially healed was painful. But it's a start. My psychiatrist doesn't believe I have aspergers as has been suggested, but that my anxiety is far worse than I had ever allowed myself to acknowledge. Today I join the ranks of the medicated.
I can't compare my experiences or how I cope with anyone else. And I marvel that pharmaceuticals will help unravel coping mechanisms I learned as a child. They no longer work for me. But it was the best I could do at the time.
I had some hard truths affirmed.
My mother rescued me. She had tried to rescue herself 5 or 6 times before, but when she realized how I was suffering, she became a superhero.
I am not to blame for what happened or breaking up our family. It wasn't really a family until we left. It had the potential for a good life until my father chose to let his demons run the show.
It's not that I blame my father for all my mistakes and faults anymore than I credit him for my strength or ability to survive, but...
He set a chain of events in motion.
None of this is my fault but what happens from here out is up to me.
Group therapy is going to be part of the picture. This journey is one I've been alone for far too long.
As damaging as incest is, the volatile and violent nature of my father caused just as much damage. As did his negative programming. I learned to not relax. To not believe in my self worth. To not enjoy. To not trust. Hypervigilance is zero fun. It's exhausting. I've been on edge all my life. It was the only way I knew how to live.
I never knew how all this anxiety was harming me. It's why I'm obese. It's why I can't sleep at night. It's why I panic. It's why I'm depressed, sometimes to the point of suicidal thoughts.
I've been carrying part of this load since I was 4 when it started. Some since 10 when we left. More since I was 19 and I started to remember.
Now it's time to stop. The weight of other people's lives is hindering my own. A family history of incest, abuse and mental illness has decided the course until now.
Now I get to steer. Now I get to be my own navigator. I'll have a crew that will get me into fair winds and blue skies... I hope.
Finally after decades of just getting by, I have hope.
